Beating back “Perfect”: My husband just informed me he’s not a morning person…

The continuation of my effort to claim true things and live well.

beating back perfect part one is here.

Today’s edition is on Marriage…from my two years of experience. :)


  • You can’t control how your spouse feels. You can influence it to the best of your ability, but in the end it is not completely in your control or ability.
  • Ask. ask how you can help, what they need, how you can help them feel more [insert feeling here].. And anything else. Communication is important.
  • State your love often. The more someone hears something the more they’ll internalize it.
  • Marriage is a give and take. No one can do all the giving and no one should do all the taking in any area of living.
  • Don’t be afraid to tell how you really feel (thoughtfully), ask for help, or admit weaknesses. It is better to do that then boil over later and not be able to communicate your needs rationally. And when your spouse honors you with those same things offer assistance, give grace, show compassion, and hold space for them as you would want them to help you.
  • Marriage doesn’t come with a manual. Learn how to talk and dream together. Write your own story.
  • Give space to be their own person. Don’t try to force them into a mold that doesn’t fit. Respect the fact that not everyone is a morning person. Don’t try to talk them out of it. Especially at 6AM. Or 9AM…
  • Closeness takes work and is built gradually over the years. Your marriage isn’t the same as now as it was on your wedding day. Each day brings new challenges and new chances to learn more about your spouse.
  • Saying ‘I love you’ means wholeheartedly supporting who they are; ‘I’m proud of you’ means wholeheartedly supporting what they do or how they do things. Use both expressions liberally.
  • Give free agency to be who they want to be. Don’t assume girls and guys like the same things, but also don’t assume all girls and all guys like or are interested in the same things. People are individuals.
  • Listening and meaningful talk are important. Don’t be afraid to let some silence in if the overwhelming need to connect is drowning out actual communication and connection.
  • But at the same time waiting for proper timing to speak or choosing not to say something is just as important. Sometimes waiting gracefully in prayer brings better connection than an hour of heated discussion or the next time you see them.
  • Your husband wants you to be happy.
  • Your person cannot be your everything. You can not expect your spouse to fill all of your needs, longings and desires. This will just leave you feeling dissatisfied with your relationship. Look to God to fill you up and for wisdom in each area in your life.
  • Just as you are learning to give yourself grace as you fail daily or accomplish less than you’d like, give your spouse that same grace. Treat them with love. Expect good things, assume the best, and give the benefit of the doubt in every situation.
  • Marriage comes before kids

And yes. As I was in the process of final edits I asked Israel for his thoughts. He very graciously gave them to me and approved their publication.

Somehow I also found out he’s not actually the morning person I thought he was for the last two years.

I was a little shocked.

The poor man.

I’m a morning chatterbox. I might have to amend my ways a bit.


What thoughts would you add?

One thought on “Beating back “Perfect”: My husband just informed me he’s not a morning person…

  1. We gradually learned disagreement is normal in the ebb and flow of marriage. Early on each argument felt huge. By now we’ve embraced the fact that we’re very different, and can usually move past frustration in hours instead of days. The quicker you can both get at compromise, the happier the marriage will be– sometimes just one person will need to compromise, but more often, both will need to give a little….

    Also, I had to get more direct in communicating. Women think of hints as tactful– guys just find them confusing, and usually prefer us to say what we mean. (This is also true with teen sons :) )

    Thanks for this post. It made me think a lot.


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