Blogging is not my job.

Somehow in the month of October I forget that a little bit.
31 days is fun and a worthwhile activity, but it’s hard to keep it in perspective.
At the end of the month I get caught up in the high of having completed something.
It’s great. It’s good. I’ll probably keep doing it.

But that spree of a month of posts straight through starts me focusing on how to be even more successful. How to do this blog thing better. Which is great and fine in itself.

Except when I forget:
Blogging is not my job.
I do it because I enjoy it.
I’m not getting paid for this.

And even if I was, my primary responsibility isn’t there. My little family. They need my time and energy and undivided attention much more than these words do.

It’s easy to say they’re more important, but harder to limit and control my ambitions here.

Here the taste of success is given more freely.

When I write, I control the outcome. More or less. Success is mine based on effort almost alone.
Not to say it’s easy or not worthwhile. But it is something I can do well with limited reliance on other people.

Parenting and marriage and life in general, however, take so much more than what I have. I have to venture outside my head and consider other people. I have to rely on God more often than not to take what I have and turn it to enough instead of something lacking.

I can’t try hard enough. I can’t do much well enough to measure up. The things in this life I’m called to do are from a measure not of my own making. I’m measured against the world, against the ideal, against the holy.

I end up short any way you manage it.

I can’t do it all perfectly.

And that’s when I have to take a deep breath and just do my best.

Trust.
…Breathe…
Have faith.
…Breathe…
Grace.
…Breathe…
Hope.
…Breathe..

God is good. God is good. God is oh so good.

It’s hard to give my all and stay engaged in the struggle and tiring present when less emotionally wearing options are available for the doing. But even those easier ways can take their toll.

When I begin to find my worth in whether or not I’ve written anything of value that day, the writing has gotten out of hand and I’ve ceased to rest in His grace. When I’m looking at a screen more than I’m looking in my littles’ faces, it’s gotten out of hand.

My writing is fueled by my living, but I find myself trying to write without really living.

That’s when I need to step back and say:

Blogging is not my job.

My identity is more than that. When I write I know I can say good things, but when I look into my babies faces and choose to say good things – those things are the ones that last and those are there only by God’s grace.

Mothering leaves you feeling powerless and weak as you face your fears, selfishness, and weakness each day in the sowing of courage, hope, and love into the hearts of your babies.

But that’s when God comes in and fills you up and speaks gently to your soul:

Mama, you are doing well. I love you well. I love them well. This life is a moment and then you’ll be with me. Fill up and give give give, but don’t worry when you can’t. I will keep giving.

Time and again.

Repeat that cycle.

Rest. Cry. Love. Trust. Grace. Breath. Live.

God is Good.

Oh, so Good.

Blogging is not my job.

The words. The wonder. The people. The love. They can intertwine in a web of beautiful intricacy. He does the work when we love through Him. That’s God.

Then grace.

The balance to it all is in His grace.

Then rest.

That’s my job.

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