It’s hard to accurately write about the change that has taken place in my mind and heart over the last few years. That’s a lot of life to think about. But I’ll try to touch on pieces here and there, if only to point out a changed perception of myself or of God.
Growing up, I always saw myself in the supporting role. I always wanted to be a pastor’s wife, a soldier’s wife, or a missionary’s wife. I liked the thought of supporting a passionate person (still do!). I wanted a part in an epic tale that made a difference.
I admire the sweetness with which I wanted to be a wife and mom, but I also wonder why I didn’t dream of anything else. Was it because I really didn’t think of it or was it because of the rules? (By default, I’m a rule follower..) Would I have been the little girl that wanted to be the pastor or soldier or missionary if I had thought they were acceptable occupations for a girl?
Now I’m doing what I’ve always dreamed of, everything else is falling into place and I love it, but I’ve started to wonder how much my hopes for the future were influenced by what I felt was appropriate or expected of me. Given more options, I probably still would have only wanted to be a mom when I was little, that is just part of who I am. But marriage isn’t the end of the story and often kids don’t fill all the gaps of who God is calling you to be. You have to search it out and be willing to follow His leading even if it’s outside of what you expected. And you have to let girls know they can do it. And boys for that matter.
I’m learning to challenge what I know about what girls/women are ‘allowed’ to do and to find words that speak a little more freedom for the girl who maybe could have wanted to be a pastor. And to eventually encourage my own daughter to be a world-changer in her own world and story. And that’s probably why I’m really on this journey.
I’m completely fine with figuring my own story out along the way -it’s what I wrote. I chose it and I love it – but I want to be sure others (who maybe aren’t happy with the stereotypical opportunities available to them) aren’t boxed in by cultural expectations or left voiceless when God is calling them “further up and further in” to His plan for their life. I want them to know they can do it and they should go. Because following Him is what really matters most.
I want to tell about a God who gives freedom.
It’s an experience.
This abstract little piece in my history of thought seemed important to my story of moving towards feminism. Sort of an introduction to how limited my view of how God might possibly use me was, and how He is starting to make very clear that He is much much bigger than I think.
What did you want to be when you were little?
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