“Bravery comes from God-given, God-sized faith.” – Jennie Allen, on Instagram today.
Sometimes I feel like I hold back only because I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t.
Other times I feel like I hold back because I do not know the steps to take to get to where I’m meant to be after I’m meant to be right here. Because I am meant to be right here, but I’m also meant to move on and live bigger than just a moment.
Life is a vector, not a point. And I constantly wonder about what’s next.
What is next? More school? More writing? More babies? More running? More…something else?
And then I think about it and don’t do anything about it. Or I start to do something and then back out of it.
I haven’t really always been this way…i don’t know what happened. I went out on a limb and took spanish and lifeguarding during highschool. Which ended up shaping my college years. I went to Chile, granted it was after all the doors opened and all the other doors closed, but I went.
But these days I say no more often then I say yes and I would like to change that. I think now the possibilities are a little more open ended (hello, adulthood) and also a little more constricted (thanks, kids). And somehow people expect less of you once you’re established doing something like being a stay at home mom.
I didn’t make any new years resolutions because everything was changing on me and life just felt overwhelming enough without adding more to worry about. I was burnt out on everything and just needed free rest.
But now I think I’m ready to invite in a little new and a little better and a little bold.
I want to be me AND do things. Not someone else who sits on the couch all day. I want to keep doing the things I can’t get away from thinking I need to do, no matter the discomfort. And I want to challenge myself to try new things with a little more openness…so I don’t shut it down before it can be good even though it’s hard.
(Think: camping. There must be a fun way to camp with two toddlers. Someone please help me find it?)
It feels a little awkward and scary to say it but I’m going to do it anyway because that is what this is. If I’m not finding a happy place with who I am right now, it’s time to admit it and see what else happens.
I want to be known as nervy and bold. I want to do things other people don’t.
People might describe me as sweet and funny and smart. But I want to be known more for thinking outside the box than for filling in the bubbles right. It’s not that I don’t want to be sweet and funny and smart. I think they can coexist with nervy and bold just fine. It’s just that fear so often gets the better of me that I end up feeling drowned in my own life.
It’s not even the big important fears that scare me.
I’m not really scared of death.
I’m scared of discomfort. of failure.
To a certain degree I’m scared of injury, but that, at least, seems like a healthy fear.
I’m scared of looking dumb. of looking young. I’m scared of fitting into all the stereotypes about stay-at-home moms and ending up bitter. I’m scared of disappointment, of disappointing people, of being stuck, and of other people’s expectations and what that means for me.
If I want to be known for being bold, maybe I could make one choice differently everyday. Make a habit of choosing outside my fears. Or box. Or bubble. and see what happens.
If I want to be known for my words, I should practice my words. Write, read, write more, and think. Everyday. Make a habit.
If I want to cook like a grownup instead of a mac and cheese addict, let’s start.
If I want to be the fun and loving mom, it’s time to make those choices. Now.
If I want to be an adventurer, it might be time to start living like one instead of just dreaming like one.
I need to stop focusing on the inconveniences of not having everything figured out and just start figuring things out. One little step at a time. Because lives are made in days and minutes, right? It’s ok to make different decisions and little steps can be scary, but God is the one who is ultimately in charge and part of my job is to have faith that He is guiding me.
Just do it.
What can I do inspite of myself and because of God?
What do I hope for? I hope to be a good mother. I hope to be a writer worth reading. I hope to be a decent enough cook who doesn’t perpetually dread making dinner. I hope to have adventures and travel the world. I hope to be happy and for my people to be happy. I hope to inspire and live free.
What do you hope for?