I need to grab hold of time.
I always want to all the things.
I’m always reaching into the future.
Hoping, dreaming, making plans and lists.
Languages, running, reading, learning to write, caring for my kids, investing in community, making new friends, traveling, spending loads of quality time with my husband, teaching my kids. Any and everything. More or less.
But never enough time.
At this point in my life I have found it freeing to realize there will be time later, even though there isn’t now.
Life comes in seasons.
My kids in all their littleness will eventually be old and independent of my craziness. People always remind me my kids won’t be little long. “It goes so fast”, they say. I see it and I agree. It does, but living here and now, when I want to live big and dream and reach, is hard. It’s hard to rest in this place even knowing their dependence and baby struggles last just a little while.
I’ll just tell myself I’m learning to speak toddler and preschooler and infant instead of Greek and Amharic and Japanese.
But soul calm is cultivated when I admit there is an abundance of time. I can choose to fill it in ways that bring life to my soul and to those around me. Or I can choose to wish it away unaware as my present days flit by without me as I pursue the future.
I can fill the edges of my days with things I’d like to grow and learn – writing, reading, soon running again, and other things. But when I start to feel frustrated for lack of time I can remind myself of how the seasons work and reorient myself in the present moments with an eye to the future (instead of reaching toward it with grasping hands).
Or something like this. It’s easy to be idealistic when you’re only writing. Putting things into practice might look different at different times, but right now it’s enough to realize: there’s time and if there’s not it’s better we not know anyway because hope drives us forward.
I am blogging everyday this October on the theme of Soul Calm. I want to take the dust of the day and sift it through my fingers. I want to see beauty, drink peace, and rest in calm assurance. Let the dust drift away, seen and unseen, beautiful, maybe, but not mine to keep. I hope it blesses you. You can find the collection of Soul Calm posts here: