It used to be that settling was a bad thing. Settle for second best, settle for a B on a test, settle for the right area to live in. It was an acquiescing of my desires to possibility, ability, or chance.

Last time I “settled” I settled for leaning into writing instead of going to grad school or something of that nature. Because I love to gain knowledge and being dissatisfied in life is easy but solving things in a real way is harder.

I planned to take a class and move forward with my education a little bit last spring. I was reaching for meaning and self-wholeness wherever I could find it. But then I found out I was pregnant, and decided to get off the crazy bus for a while to just find out what works in the now of things.

So I settled for writing and made it more of a practice and less of a hobby.

But instead of settling for second best I have found myself gradually settling into my skin.

Sort of a best I didn’t know before. And didn’t think I needed.

Writing has brought a means of coming to terms and more wholly realizing who I am in the grand scheme of things and just who I am in general.

It has invited me to dwell in the hard to explain places. And find words, even if they don’t explain it fully. It has invited me more fully into my experience of motherhood, marriage, and life in general as I learn the words to express the tension and the joys. I notice more. Finding the words for things has allowed me to find meaning in my own experiences instead of searching for meaning elsewhere.

It’s a setting into my own skin.

settling into my motherhood.

my personhood.

and my womanhood.

and my agency.

I am settling in with my people for the long haul making changes as I go.

I find myself moving the pieces around, adjusting the size, tweaking the color, and just throwing out the things that don’t work.

I’m not settling for something that doesn’t work.

I am rewriting roles and adjusting character summaries.

I’m reclaiming the whole story as good and meant to be.

I’m settling into the uniqueness of a given life and my ability to change the landscape to meet the needs of my family and myself.

 

I am practicing settling into my life, instead of just settling for it.

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Where have you settled recently?

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(week 32)