I’ve been learning these past few years, about doubt, opinions, faith. I used to be entrenched in my own opinions or the opinions of those around me. I was pretty solidly sure I knew enough about the important stuff and had the “right” opinions in my Christian faith.
And then suddenly I wasn’t.
I didn’t know, couldn’t really be sure, and wasn’t certain anyone did. Of course it was really a whole series of a events and many thoughts that led to this, not one moment.
But I began to see all the grays in a world that used to be black and white in my favor.
I saw the differences with more grace than before.
But even after this change, I thought this world of grays, plus black and white, was where the answer was. I began to define “right” differently, but judged anyone who seemed to see no grays. My opinions had flipped: black and white was bad while gray was good.
I’m still learning.
These days I feel like even my doubts have doubts. I’ve begun to see the colors within the grays of black and white. Shades of meaning on a whole different scale then the one I used. Nuance that springs awake like a bed of springtime bulbs, no longer all the same, all on a different schedule, all beautiful, all together, a whole of incongruous and spectacular colors and shapes.
This evolving faith of mine has me tripping over my own uncertainty and diving headlong into an inner turmoil I’m not sure even matters. I’m uncertain of certainty and uncertain in my own uncertainty. I vacillate in seemingly meaningless angst.
Does it even matter what I think?
I want to accept that I cannot know it all or even very much of it, and that the answers don’t belong to me even if I want them to or feel like they do.
Therein lies the humility. I don’t want humility.
I want to know.
But I can’t.
I miss my certainty a little.
I’d rather know.
But what happens if I live whole right here? What happens if I simply rest in the now of it and my intentions instead of trying to know everything down to a heartbeat?
Right in this uncertainty where the answers are multifaceted and really just depend on where the light is coming from. Right in the middle of my own life as it shapes the world a little bit. Right here for now. Not trying to know all the answers.
Maybe I just continue with hands out to catch the sparkling beauty shining though the many faces of faithful obscurity. Seeking out that Source instead of the answers and resting in promises right alongside the ceaseless questions.
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