It’s a season of feelings I don’t really want to record.

Sadness. Grief. Confusion. Annoyance. Regret. Anger. Overwhelm.

Mixed in with all the usual good contained in our everyday life, grieving my younger sister has been such a confusing process.

I’ve found that losing someone leaves a haze over my clarity, a damper on my energy, and nearly completely stamps out my ability for small talk.

I’ve had to adjust over and over my expectations for my feelings in my own heart. There’s room for all of them. I can be happy and sad, angry and grateful, reasonable and wishful in the same moment. My grief doesn’t have to look a specific way or feel a specific way for it to be what it is. It just is.

And then there is the challenge of grieving as as a group. We have adjust to what it means to be sad with people who lost a person who was different things to all of us. We’re not alone, but we are alone in that we can each only experience it in our own way. We don’t perform grief, and yet within our circle of loss it might be healing to let feelings sit nearer the surface than usual.

My intuition says this means an extra finesse and gentleness and willingness to give grace and make space during a time when none of us really know what we’re doing. It will be a gentle sifting through the filler to feel alongside or to simply have a happy time right next to all the hard.

It’s a touch and go experience. We touch base with each other, and then we go ahead.

We rest, wonder, pray, and calm our souls in Jesus, and then go out again to take on our normal everyday lives.

There is grace for all of it.

Regrets and tears might follow indefinitely, but knowing that my brightly shining, well-loved sister is sitting at Jesus’ feet is something I will always be grateful for.

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(In case you are wondering, on November 9th my 24 year old sister went home to Jesus after experiencing a seizure sometime in the night. I am grateful for her life of faith and joy. Even though it’s hard to articulate, the loss seems too big not to note in this place where I share my thoughts. )

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Linking up for Five Minute Friday. Even though I spent more than five minutes after my initial draft sorting through for what I needed to say.