Sometimes all it takes for a life to fall apart into a million shreds is some boundaries.
It really shouldn’t be this way, but sometimes it is.
At least that’s how it’s been for me.
It’s been a bit since I’ve said some words from the Kind Side for anyone else but me lately.
I’ve had to let myself be quiet here. I’ve also felt like I have to be quiet here. Shortly after my last post here a sequence of events happened that became the nasty fall of a wake-up call from “sort-of-ok”-land to “hell-no”-land.
And then it all changed.
I’m not a stay at home mom anymore. I’m not living in my house anymore. I’m not going to be married anymore. And I’m not a person who is unfamiliar with being in court anymore.
I’m also not the person who stayed no matter what anymore. The ‘what’ of ‘no matter what’ happened (one I had no way to even imagine happening before it did) and I had to leave. And that was that. Well, I wish that was that. It has really become a never-ending divorce process and facing all the things I tried to ignore before but now can’t. It’s nowhere near done and the details are beyond the scope of your right to know (sorry!), but it’s been much more difficult and much more compounded by other key things than I could have fathomed. (side note for the worriers among you: we’re all fine. It’s ok. It’s getting figured out. It’s just an intensely stressful mess.)
I’ve been waiting to write until it’s all figured out. Waiting to post until there’s no chance it could be taken the wrong way and used against me. Waiting for the tidy bow, a good-for-a-long-time job, a new house, a future that may or may not look how I want it to but I’m still holding out for. Just waiting. Waiting to do anything until this is done. I’m still waiting for those things, but I’m done letting all the drama of getting it figured out be the only center of attention. And I’m trying to let go of the idea that it will be done as soon as I’d like.
Today I took the kids on a hike in our old stomping grounds for the second time since July.
A couple weeks ago, I began exploring a job opportunity that would let me build the life I want.
And now, 9 months into the middle of it and no end in sight, I’m taking back blogging and my right to say my words out loud. They’ll likely be fairly vague words, but still.
I need a space to re-envision, and grow, and learn, and figure out where this writing and the ideas I’ve written about fit in with all the rest. Because I still believe in my Whole Together Family firmly (God’s put us all as pieces in each others stories for a reason no matter how it seems to be panning out now), but now I’m having to reconsider what it means in a situation where this unmaking is something I never planned to undertake.
God’s got the details figured out even here.
And I guess that’s the note from the kind side.
Even when you can’t remember how to just be, God’s got this and you too.
And that’s good enough for now.
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