So many days these days I have no idea what I’m doing or how it will work out.
I’m praying for clarity, filling out paperwork, asking for help, and trying to make choices all in these middle grounds. At the moment nothing is figured out and I don’t know how to get it over with even though I wish I could. I see what’s happening and what needs to happen and I have hope for the other side, but the only way out is through and I don’t even get to know how long it will take. It’s all somewhere between here and there; a temporary holding location for restarting a life. But one I’m not allowed to restart just yet…because first I have to unbuild, unwind, and unmake it all.
But at the same time my life has not stopped to contain this hurt. It is still moving forward second by second whether I know what to do it in it or not. New and good things can happen whenever. Normal and lovely things continue each and every day.
My life is not on pause until all this gets figured out. All the moving pieces of this crisis and divorce are not the only thing happening here in this moment. This does not get to say who I am. Yes, it takes my time and energy, but I don’t have to give it all my time and energy. Yes, it is frustrating and sad and worrisome, but I’m still a separate person (and always have been) even if I’m not divorced yet. I don’t have to pause or accept the idea that this is a place where I can do nothing but wait. It’s ok to reach forward and around and into all the things beginning and happening along side of this. My life is my own and I get to keep my integrity.
But at the same time, my life has not stopped to contain this hurt. It keeps tumbling forward asking me to make decision after decision about a version of life I never wanted and can’t begin to plan for. The circumstances keep firing off ridiculous expectations and irrational logic, leaking fear and worry into my spirit. All of it twisting into a knot that sits behind my eyes. Wishing for a pause to process it all. I grieve that any of it was necessary and that hardly any of it is easy to explain. It’s ok to stop and grieve too.
It’s another situation where there’s not one answer.
Yes we move on, but yes, we also feel. Yes it’s not everything, but yes, it’s a big deal. Yes it seems to be central, but it’s not the only thing happening here.
There are going to be many steps of many shapes and sizes, some feel like pauses, some feel like falling, some feel straightforward, other feel heartwrenching, others don’t make any sense no matter how you look at them.
It’s just a lot of steps and lot of feelings as far as I can tell.
But here’s the thing I need to tell myself today, so maybe you need to hear it too: It’s ok if you don’t know how to get to the other side.
It’s ok if every day confounds you.
It’s ok if you have no idea what the other side looks like only that you know there better be one, goshdarnit.
It’s ok if it takes longer than you think it should.
It’s ok if you have to try a lot of different things.
The other side will get to you.
It’s ok if, even if you know God’s got this, you don’t feel that way all the time. God’s got that too.